For many couples, the hardest part of trying a toy is not the toy, it is the conversation. People worry their partner will feel criticised, replaced or put on the spot. In practice, a toy is usually welcomed when it is framed as something you would like to add together, not something that is missing.
Research backs this up: in a national US survey, around 70% of men disagreed that vibrators are intimidating to a woman's partner, while only 37% of women expected their partners to feel that way. [1]
Pick the right moment
Raise it when you are both relaxed and have time to talk, over coffee, on a walk, or while you are already chatting about what you enjoy. Avoid bringing it up in the middle of sex, after an argument, or as a fix for a problem.
Lead with curiosity, not critique
Try phrases like “I've been curious about trying a toy together, what do you think?” or “I saw something I thought could be fun for both of us.” Focusing on shared pleasure keeps the tone warm and avoids any sense that something is lacking.
Choose it together
Browsing side by side turns the decision into part of the fun. It also lets you both voice any limits or hesitations early. Good first choices for couples include:
- A vibrating cock ring: worn during sex, so both partners feel the vibration.
- A remote or app-controlled vibrator: one partner wears it, the other holds the controls.
- A small external vibrator: easy to add to foreplay without changing much else.
See our For Couples collection for toys designed to be shared.
Keep consent and check-ins easy
Agree that either of you can pause or stop at any time, and check in during and afterwards: what felt good, what you would change. Start on the lowest setting and build up.
If your partner says no
Respect it without pressure. Sometimes “no” means “not yet” or “not that one”. Ask what would feel more comfortable, or simply leave it open and come back to it later.
New to toys yourself? Read our first-toy guide.
Source: [1] Indiana University study via NBC News (2011).
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